


This is what I asked but it’s not what I wanted

by carmshiii



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Pining, This actually the first royai fic i wrote, angst seems to be the only thing I write these days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 17:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20697365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmshiii/pseuds/carmshiii
Summary: He asked her once to stay with him. To be with him always. It is what he asked, but this is not what he wanted.





	This is what I asked but it’s not what I wanted

Years ago, when both of them were young and naïve, the apprentice and the master’s daughter sat by each other in the empty house, with only a single lit lamp while they were on the floor, painting the walls with flickering orange light. He knew he should have opened the lights but aside from the fact that he wanted to conserve some electricity, he knew opening the lights would wake Master up, letting him aware that his apprentice and daughter are sat in the middle of the night on the floor, when he specifically instructed Roy earlier that morning to go to bed early for he would be having some sort of test for this week’s lesson.

It was fall but the chill of winter is just around the corner. Roy was sitting on the floor, slightly shivering despite the old thick blanket covering him around the shoulders and the poor insulation of the house did not help at all. They were sat next to each other like they always do. Riza tells him the wooden table is more convenient, not to mention a more comfortable area for studying than on the floor but he tells her that he has to lay down certain transmutation formulas on a wide space for them to make sense.

So they brought everything down to the floor and grabbed themselves some blankets. Roy had insisted that she head on to bed but she refuses, “I have to stay up and watch in case you fall asleep or set the house on fire, whichever comes first.” Riza said, so there they sat, in that dimly lit room, cloaked in comfortable silence.

Roy was so engrossed in the books that the alchemic symbols seem to float off the page. His head started to pound when Riza stood up. He looked up in question and she said that she’ll just make some tea for both of them and headed into the kitchen. Alchemic symbols forgotten, he studied her. Her slim pale hands, her strong slender shoulders, her hair that seemed to stand out in the dark, her lips curved in a small smile and her eyes bright despite it being late at night.

Roy knew it isn’t right to harbor feelings for his master’s daughter but he fell for her: hook, line, and sinker. It wasn’t really forbidden but rather disrespectful to have feelings for her, especially when he’s supposed to be learning from her father. But he couldn’t escape the fact that Riza is, well, Riza. She stopped being the shy girl, to the alchemist’s daughter, to the Miss Hawkeye who dutifully kept her distance for the first few months of his apprenticeship.

She’s just Riza, who hates cooking but is really good at it. Riza who likes guns way too much and has become a very good shot way too soon for a supposed beginning shooter. Riza who always slaughters him in chess. Simple Riza who does not indulge in pretty things, very different from the sisters he had back home. But whenever they go together to the market, he notices how she stares at the bright dresses displayed on store windows, her face indicating that she wants to try them too.

Once done with preparing tea, Riza sets his tea down next to him and proceeded to quiz him about the theories that the master plans on asking him tomorrow.

They were well into the night when she said, “I’ll try to watch you tomorrow.” That surprised Roy. Usually, when the master teaches, he prefers it if they were alone as he said he could not handle audiences, no matter how many. So they had a place in the backyard where Roy tries to apply the master’s theories away from the house in case something went wrong. That is why during their lessons, Riza always decides to stay in the house, do some chores or read (non-alchemic books, of course, they never interested her, she says) or maybe go into the woods to hunt or practice shooting.

“Why?” Roy asked, genuinely curious.

“No reason. I just want to see how well you do since I helped you study today.” Riza replies with a small smile. “I better make sure you’re not going to fail it.”  
“Keeping me on my toes, huh?” She nodded and smiled. Suddenly nervous about the prospect of her being able to watch him tomorrow, he felt determined to do better for tomorrow’s test. Call it stupid and childish, but he wants to impress her.

She cocks her head to the side, “I’ll always keep you on your toes.” She smiles.

“You’ll stay for the whole lesson?” She shrugs, “Why not? I got most of my chores done by then and I’ve run out of things to read. Unless you don’t want to.” She suddenly looked away and he was not sure if it was the light or did she seem a little redder. “It won’t make a lot of sense to me, but at least it’s something to do. I’ll stay by your side if you want to.” She flushes deeper as she realizes what she said. “I mean to give you pointers, in case you forgot something. I’m going to bed. You should too. It’s late and we don’t want you sleeping in tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He chided, as he started to gather the textbooks and arrange them in a neat pile on the table and headed into bed. As he went down the hall, he quietly knocked on her bedroom door, the door creaked open and her face popped out, an eyebrow raised. “I just want to say thank you. For staying up with me tonight. Because as much as I love alchemy, those textbooks can become a little boring.” He runs his hands through his hair and tries to stop fidgeting.

“I’ll stay with you every night if you want to. You might be some prodigy or something but your study habits are horrible. We need to keep you in line.” She smiles and shuts the door.

Looking a little foolish for smiling so wide, he heads up into his own room.

He wonders why he thought of that memory now, years later. The stark contrast between that dim and cold room with warm eyes and warmer smiles to this bright office in the Eastern Headquarters with military personnel milling around the wide space.

Then he finds himself studying her, as he always does.

Lt. Hawkeye is always the organizer, he thinks as he stares at her across the room. People look at her as this cold, calculating soldier, and her reserved demeanor and unwavering loyalty make her a perfect soldier as someone dares to tell him once. Her proficiency with marksmanship is somewhat of a legend in the Academy, with her records still there, unbeaten, to this day. Gone is the girl with shy smiles and bright eyes, in her place is a legend, a praised name or a feared one, depending on who is at the end of the barrel of her gun. Students and instructors alike recount how she was drafted into the army, not even graduated from the Academy to serve the country during the war, how her ruthlessness on the battlefield earned her title The Hawk’s Eye. How everyone felt safe when she was out on the field, guarding all of their backs.

Guarding his back.

For months, Roy felt the urge to break down in his tent, with the war raging around them. How he wanted to cut off his hands, disgusted at himself for the lives that he took. Alchemy was supposed to save lives, not end them. He remembers the day she saw her there, in the place they call hell on earth. He thought he was daydreaming or started having hallucinations in the harsh, hot desert they were in. Her face was the only thing clear to him. Until he noticed it: a rifle slung over her shoulder, her white coat covered in dust and that godforsaken standard issued blue military uniform. And when everything was clear, he saw it. Her eyes, ones he remembers to be bright warm brown now hold deep pools of guilt Her eyes, dull and devoid of brightness, the eyes of a killer.

Roy never imagined that his master’s daughter will be joining their ranks, much less for her to serve in one of the bloodiest wars the country has ever seen. The memory of that night, when she promised to stay with him if he wants to. And he wants that, years later, he still wants that.

It might be miles away from that drab house that housed both of them, years away from the memories of autumn nights when things were much simpler but yet he craves that feeling, to be able to feel Riza next to him, like when they used to sit closely when they were younger. To feel the strands of her hair between his fingers, while chatting how she never lets it go past her shoulders. Her hair is longer now, bound by a clip behind her head. And sometimes he longs to free her blonde locks and ran his fingers through it.

“Colonel?” Her voice, stern and stiff, jolted him back into the present. Roy looked up and saw her standing there, holding yet another batch of paperwork, her inquiring eyes trained on him. The only thing he was thankful for was their ability to communicate without speaking. Their emotions are in sync with each other that they almost know what the other is thinking.

The rest of the team looked up briefly, reminding him that he wasn’t alone in the office. He nodded to reassure them that he’s fine and the rest of them went back to their work.  
Meanwhile, a certain lieutenant is still looking at him with concern. Brushing the painful memories from his head, he looked up to her familiar face and said, “I’m fine, Lieutenant.”

He asked her once to stay with him. To be with him always. It is what he asked, but this is not what he wanted. The apprentice and the master’s daughter, now the colonel and his adjutant can never be together.

**Author's Note:**

> Got this from a writing prompt back in Tumblr. It was supposed to be like a three-paragraph thing but took on a life of itself. I shall post either some Team Mustang or maybe some Edwin stuff for a change next time. Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


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